Friday, May 30, 2008

...all the sound is trapped in my head...

so...i can't hear for crap.

well, truth be told, hearing has never been a gold medal event for me...but these days in particular, the last three weeks, have been something. and that something is a whole lot of nothing. it's like i have a huge wad of wet cotton balls jammed up in my head. i do fine with an individual talking directly and clearly to me. headphones are particularly useful. but for the most part i am getting a lot of charlie brown adult feedback.

'whuh whuh whuaaa. whu whaa wnhuuu.'

most likely, and hopefully, it is just allergies. i have run of the mill seasonal allergies. this year seems like a particularly harrowing year, and it seems as if my allergies have been attacking in stages.

in march i had terrible sinus problems. april was watery, goopy eyes. may is dedicated to my ears. none of the symptoms have mixed...which i guess i should be thankful for. that this is all not setting upon me at once. i was just thinking the other day....while not hearing anything...that it hadn't been too long ago that i wanted to tear my eyeballs out and isn't a relief that i am not continually putting hot compresses on my eyes.

progress. i suppose.

the thing is is that losing the majority of my hearing has been particularly frustrating. part of it is that i have been allergy-sick for so long now that i just want to be done. i want it to be over but this pollen abyss known as the northwest keeps smacking me down. the other part of it is that besides all the small sounds that i am missing...the sound of the keyboard, leonard's constant noise making face, cooking sounds, just the general atmospheric sound of being in a place and not a vacuum...i am stuck with the dulled sounds inside my head. i listen to my heart all day...which may sound poetic or some sort of nonsense like that, but it's really unnerving after awhile. not 'the tell tale heart' unnerving...just always present, in an ultrasound sort of way. and then there's the chewing...god the chewing! abominable. and my stunted, blobby voice trapped in my head b/c i can't really hear it come out of my mouth.

ear problems cause me anxiety...more so than eye problems. they make me revisit my childhood with my chronic ear infections, hospital visits and surgeries. it was a routine...loss of hearing, doctor's visit, ear specialist visit, tubes in the eardrums, spending hours in the hopspital afterwards sick on anesthesia, fittings for earplugs, and day after day after day of eardrops. i hated it. i did everything to avoid starting up the doctor cycle. when the deafness set in i took up lip reading. but as crafty as i was my mom was craftier. there must have come a time when she saw me staring intently at her as she spoke. she would turn around, away from me, and would ask me a question. when i wouldn't reply...bam! a call to dr. houser.

so, i am crossing my fingers that it doesn't come to that...the ye olde days of tubes and drops.

i've been to a doctor. it took some doing on my part...some will to bend away from the anxiety. she prescribed nasonex. i balked at first...not because i would be snorting steroids but because of the ad campaign for nasonex. you know the ones i am talking about...a third rate cgi, antonio banderas-sounding bee flies around suffering third rate cgi, allergy afflicted people while silkily talking about the wonders of nasonex. anyhow, i am on nasonex. and zyrtec, and am using my neti pot and seeing my acupuncturist every other day. i've called out the guards on this one.


Pinky said...

I found that nasonex smelled/tasted vaguely of flowers.

I'm sorry about your hearing troubles - I've had sinus problems for most of my adult life and often I can't hear as well as I like. I trust you've had a doctor flush out your ears for you, too - if you haven't, it can be a very pleasurable thing.

sara T said...

jen, i knew you were having some ear troubles, but i had no idea they were so bad... good luck getting to the bottom of it.

jen corace said...

besides having crappy sight and crappy hearing i also have a crappy sense of the nasonex doesn't smell like much of anything to me (but that it might smell/taste of plants make sense to me) but sometimes it feels like it burns...which is troublesome.

i don't know that flushing my ears would do much since the issue is behind the drums...which is why i am hoping that i won't need tubes again.

but it has been clearing up a bit. the flight east has loosened things up.